the plan to not have a plan

If you don’t know me personally, let me clue you into something: I am a planner. I enjoy order and preparing for the future. Even if the sky is falling, all will be well if I have a plan in place to follow.

Needless to say, I don’t deal well with unknowns. Anecdotal evidence: My mom tried to throw me a surprise party when I was little, and quickly learned never to do so again. Fast forward to my senior year of college, where my entire future is full of unknowns. As people all around me are accepting job offers and getting interviews for grad school, I have felt immense pressure to finalize my own plan for the future.

Where will I live after graduation? Where will I work? Will my work be meaningful? Will I get to visit my friends? Can I actually function as a grown up? This list of inquiries goes on and on, scrolling through my mind each and every night.

For the first time, here’s the 100% honest answer: I have no freaking clue.

I would love nothing more than for God to hand me a detailed itinerary of the rest of my life, preferably color coded with some strategically placed tabs. I’ve accepted, however, that this will not be occurring any time soon.

I have had to take a step back and have some real talk with myself. I can only plan for what I can control. I cannot control the future, other people, or the unfortunate fact that my major gets hired in spring and not fall. These are not things that I can change in any way, so why am I wasting my time worrying about them?

The right job will come along, and I will continue pushing myself to find it and absolutely kill the interview process (CC: future employers). Until then, I will focus on controlling the only thing that I can: myself.

I control the person that I am. I am proud of my relationships with my family and friends. I am proud to spend every day serving others. I am proud of my faith and the strength it gives me. I am proud of my successes that have made me realize my potential. I am proud of my past failures that I have utilized to better myself. I am proud that I never give up on anyone or anything. I am proud that I am learning to live without a plan.

Lewis Carroll said, “If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.” I have no doubt that everything will happen like it should in the next year or so, and right now, the plan is to not have a plan. I will end up where I am supposed to be, with my over-highlighted Erin Condren planner in hand.